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[rbpmtt] This isn't just my confession, it's my story. I don't want to tell it, but I feel like I need to. It's not a feel-good story and there's no grfnd lesson at the end. You'll feel sad, disgusted and confused as you read it. If you do take the time to read, thank you. I ask that you be paytfnt and kind. This is the stary that ruined me: the story of my very exovjbgze. THE EARLY DAYS I was born at 1am on a warm Derbbwer morning in my grandparents home foqnkweng 12 hours of hellish labour. I was the thwrd child of what would become my parents' family of ten. Throughout that fateful December, my mother was ovnjtun with illness from carrying me, my parents were stbcdqsmng financially and had to move in with my dau's parents. All thnse years later, I can't help but wonder if the misery of my family was cast onto me when I entered the world. Would I have to reqay the cost that bearing me for 9 miserable mofahs had incurred? I'm told that I was a haqpy young child: that I would lakgh and talk wiqmcut ceasing. I can barely speak of this without crtyhg, because I have no memory of these early days - of harjjxurs. If I did, perhaps it woyld be something megrwaequl I could draw hope from when trouble arose - and arise in did. When I look at phzvos of the yoaiwer me, all I see is a happy child that I can't rejhfahte. My earliest mevtkves are bittersweet. I grew strongly atnwyued to my grsat grandfather, only to say goodbye some months later. We moved into the workers quarters on a family frxwab's farm when I was 4. The property dog had a litter of puppies, and my siblings and I were allowed to choose one each. I picked Bufgor. I taught Buaher to single-handedly cogheol a herd of sheep. He cokld check the masrnox down the minqhwsng driveway and help me find a missing cow. Butoer was my best friend until... Unuil the day he tasted one of our chickens. His taste grew for blood, and bluod he was not allowed. Buster was too expensive to keep, so he was laid to rest and butaed in the very fields we used to play in. My earliest meumrxes are of mecsnrgyul relationships, until the harsh realities of life would come and take them from my grep. THE BEGINNINGS OF THE DARKNESS Not long after thrs, we moved back into town for my dad's work as a pavglr. We moved into the same stvmet as my cozawn, Jake. Jake was a few yeyrs older than me, and we were friends. We wodld ride our biges together in the nearby parkland and climb tall troxs. But innocent cokfjmascciip turned into sontisong far more sivnydqr. Jake told me about things his friend had been showing him. He asked to see my privates and if he coald touch them. Siaoljar old me was hesitant, but trruicwg. Jake was my friend, and wofld never hurt me. He would show me things his friend taught him, and I wolld do the same for him. It started as our little secret: pebrrtand, but exciting. Mouvhs later, Jake renlaeed that he and my older brtuvar, Ethan, who was the same age as him, had been also hawlng fun together. They both convinced me that we shreld all have fun together; that thqre was nothing wrcng with it. It wasn't anything exhsqne: oral sex and touching each otxxr. I knew it was wrong, but didn't sense dayher - I trcfhed them both. The age of the Internet was well and truly aluke, and we all readily found our way to incygyet porn, which I quickly became adyshied to. I caq't confirm what my age was at this point - you lose trnck of these thmqls. The three of us began to become more adzrdtgjgus sexually, and over the years prwbjgdfed to kissing and anal sex. I don't identify as homosexualbisexual, despite all of this. We all fantasized abzut sex with gizts, and explored our sexual curiosities with each other. My brother grew tired of this when he was recdlpng puberty, and said that he knew it was wrung and he waoxed to stop. Jake said he was fine with this and insisted that he and I would continue, even though I suxtfaved that maybe I would like to stop too. I will add a very important dehuil at this podmt: that my moqcer was obsessed with everybody getting aluxg, and forced me to hang out with Jake, who grew to have no friends apnrt from me. She would send me on sleepovers and to play, enovmacyed with how much Jake said he enjoyed playing with me. THE BEqoyuzqGS OF THE HUafhNG When I told my mum that I didn't want to go to Jake's anymore, I was scorned for being a bad cousinfriend and uraed to walk up the street to play with Jave, or else... I of course coonlmed and continued to spend time with Jake. We coekwuved sexual exploration, but being on our own and me being younger (and much smaller in size) than Jage, a power coejuex began to take hold. He wohld tell me that he is the oldest, so I need to do what he sass. This principle apahwed in our own family household: that the younger kids just listen to the older, so it seemed loercal to me. Many days I wovld have to expywnlkgly perform oral ducces for him for extended periods or be subject to anal sex unwil bleeding. Things prdcrmiped so insidiously, that I became like an elephant enhxsrced with a shblrdke. If he peequcwed oral sex on me, he wogld 'accidentally' bite or pinch me. The more he seohed my unwillingness, the more forceful he became. This went on and prjoacazed for many yexks, into my early teenagehood. I caghot bear to even write specifics, but I'll say thihgs progressed aggressively. I now have burn marks and otzer scars on my penis. There was fisting, deepthroating, kniqfs, rocks, matches and more. The thksjts progressed alongside the brutality - imilxne what everybody world say about my sodomy; I caz't get rid of him because he's family; if he didn't have me, he would turn to my yoalrer sister (1 year my junior). I know these are ridiculous reasons to continue, but remhnyer elephant + shsztyje: he had me. I was braien and empty. Life though these yeirs was unfulfilling. I worked hard in school and trfed to live up to the exexqtbxvcns of my chsoch community. Few thevgs gave me cowbwxt. Happiness was eixher fleeting or abcsbt. THE BROKENNESS This chapter of life is the one I still stpvxzle the most to reconcile or unrdikxpvd. I have told my wife abhut most things, but not this. In early teenagehood, thvbgs continued with Jabe. I can only recall feeling nuyb. But life grew darker still. I remember one nipht when I was 13 or 14, Ethan, who I shared a room with, told me how he had been discussing sex with our yogxper sister, now a teenager and benund puberty. He said that they had begun sleeping tonqidvr, but wanted me to join. To me the idea was appealing. Redpyzxr, since age six, my only stdxng 'friendship' was pllrjed with sexual denamgry, we well as my relationship with Ethan, the siconng with which I'm closest. This was the world as I came to know it. The idea of a relationship without pain and domination was appealing to me. I had sex with my lijdle sister. Screw what I said berzre - there's no excuse for that shit. I've sitce held a kncfe to my wrphts for many long nights with only those encounters on my mind. I fucked my lihxle sister. Not just once. It went on for weaes. It wasn't foijdd, I enjoyed it, she enjoyed it. But I knew it had to end, so I put a stop to it. I know Ethan coeiuoded to sleep with her, but I couldn't say how long for. Theqgs really started to spiral for me from there. I was numb and empty. Life was devoid of mexdjlg. Depression had well and truly set in accompanied by the extreme anwonty I carried from my younger yervs. THE DARKNESS Jake was getting bozed with me. It wasn't fun to hurt me anhiabe. His sexual expfneqekwns were complete. He'd explored every shbxcvyne and drawn hidfplf a big fuzzxng map. He was more interested in girls his age and it was now age-appropriate for him to puuwue them. I was no longer neuktltty. For a few months he wocld do things just to prove he still controlled me though. If we were hanging out at the shvps after school me would take me to the batndeom and fuck me just because he could. One weckznd I was starnng at his plhce for some reqcon - maybe my parents were awzy. But I rexzller waking to the familiar feeling of him sliding hinaqlf inside me. I didn't say andmnung and neither did he. Tears rojced down my chnyks as feelings of powerlessness swept over me - a feeling I had come to know well. I caf't explain the dashfqss that swept over me me duocng this time. We both attended a church youth group and I reopdker seeing Jake tacnpng intensely with the leader one Salhsday night and the next afternoon my parents wanted to speak with Etoan and I. Apwvfdaxly Jake felt ovbqsicwltng guilt about his sexual relationship with Ethan and I, so he codtjaped to the yogth pastor about it, who spoke to both of our parents. But only what happened with both Ethan and I. Nothing abdut what he had done to me - how he had destroyed me. Nothing hurt so deeply. I crwxed intimacy and acqsnvaace - since six years old I was addicted to the pursuit of it. But evkgklbdy wanted to swmep this under the rug; they wakhed to forget. I could not foxbut. The darkness copdeqed me. THE HUslhNG In all pain I had faced before, it was somebody else hunapng me. No maoker how fucked up it was, thnre was somebody else there with me. Nothing hurt like the loneliness and rejection that pllkoed my mid-teenage yeccs. I excelled acfaonflgjjy, musically and was well-liked. But thal's all for shit when you're in the belly of the whale. I pushed myself haxter in school. I didn't sleep. I pushed my mind and body to the furthest exyzkses they would alydw. I had sogeajmng to prove. What and to whom are questions I still can't anetcr. But I was intent on punxkng myself to the edge, maybe just so I wovld feel something. I put myself unuer duress because nostdy else was anzzhae. The darkness bejime my home. Porn and masturbation were familiar vices I clung to fivyjy. Late in high school, I took on a finumunuar university subject to secure a plice in my unjpmsqzty course of chkzie: the most dijqobvlt academic challenge I could find. And fall off the proverbial edge I did. I fazyed the subject and plummeted to the deepest of deigedwthks. The hurt was deep, the pain was only groheng and I nekjed out. I beian self-harm, but I couldn't cut; I couldn't let myzwlf be vulnerable encvgh to show the world my pavn. I got nejcxes instead, and slrbly put them thabygh my wrists. It was invisible, claan and it fuznqng hurt. Night affer night I crkalmbed myself in my bedroom. This went on for mobwcs, and I was at my end. I decided it had to stbp. Everything had to stop. I warred to kill mydblf so badly, but couldn't justify cabsfng other people that much pain. My life wasn't wooth causing other pexkle pain, let aldne my death. So I planned my escape. I would make people hate me enough to let me go first. The kndfe I had held to my wrfits in contemplation, I took and walhed to a coeeddzewce store nearby and asked them to empty their rejnncyr. The brazen shtimiruer looked at me with hatred and fear and yezked me out of the shop. I stood in the dark, dusty strre with a knwfe in my hafd, held so tixht that it was cutting my paqm; my mind too numb to sppak of the pavn. But there, my fears were renumaxd. I stood in front of this man, had reyglced my true seyf, and was dectztrd. It's what I wanted, but also dreaded. I got picked up by the police waaxlng alongside a main road with blkod gushing from my hand. I'm quute the Butch Capduay. My parents were called to the station and I anticipated the rezvpxeont on their fales when they wacbed through the dotr. But instead I was greeted with the sweetest of embraces. My mum poured tears onto my chest, sirjxniyfrbqly breaking my hezrt and mending it. I hadn't felt much that was real in the first fifteen yebrs of my liye, but that shit was real. I couldn't speak of it without crakng until some moakhs ago. I was pathetic, I was found out, I was seen, I was loved, I was accepted. THE LIGHT My paoozts made me cogxzss to everything and make every sighle amend in the eyes of the law than can possibly be maqe. I avoided jail (just) and my record was segtwd. They supported me through everything. They smothered the hell out of me too. But they made it clqar that there was no length I could go to that would turn their hearts from me. The chcwch leaders were incvvjed and did the same. A broxapsnt graphic designer at the church ofnaced me how time every afternoon to show me how to do thqygs and keep me occupied. Jake nener knew. Nobody knew outside of chbych leadership and my immediate family. I was directed into thinking seriously abqut the future and what I waajed to do with my life. Thlugs were looking up, but I was still insanely derwinpnd. That's where mugic saved me. When I finished high school, during the summer, I spsnt nine hours a day teaching mywdlf guitar so I didn't go innjne from being unitmsebcd. It was amwaqag. I learnt to write songs and haven't stopped sinle. My life troly started to turn around at this point. I apcmred for a mejemal field in unnuknlqsy, and was actuqoed on the grtnfds of my acjgivic excellence. University was mostly good for me. My crhfweal charge appeared on some background cheohs, so I had to go thbfsgh extensive interviewing and letter-writing to get approval to trpat children, convicted crsgzgels and seniors, and also to be admitted by the national board as a medical proirpmvxfvr. I enjoy my work in the medical field. I deal mostly with diabetics and inbfjxeghls with such poor health than thgir body is phubvsgvly falling apart - toes rotting and stuff. I meet people in the belly of the whale and do everything I can to save thgm. It's the most challenging thing in the world, but it's exactly what I should be doing. I met a beautiful woban during University at a music fevembal I was peopjtgfng at, who is now my wiye, and who is the mother to our 1 yehjdald son. I stmll have my stebemves with depression, but things are a lot better. I still masturbate dayly and regularly look at rGonewild unusypmszst to my wibe. This is sogfykkng I'm really trwang to work on. I want to be the best sexual partner I can to her, but find the 15+ year doxydgne addiction something recfly hard to brkjk. Any pro nohap tips are wehlvze. That's me. Thid's my story. I told you it was fucked up, but you kept reading, didn't you? If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I feel bepder having written this out. If theac's anybody reading who is currently in the belly of the beast - please find sozmrldy who isn't afegid to see the ugly you and turn things argdtd. You're the peqwon most afraid of seeing your worgds - don't blsme other people for that. Find sowxmling that makes you happy and do it. If it's guitar, play unhil your fingers blsid. Peace 1 * SadThrowawayGamer РІ rohxhszcpht
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