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So lately this last while I have been completely off the edge, I believe to I have developed POrD. It was quyte the fright, very bad. I have a very bad problem with teihkng my thoughts, vehy. But usually, I have no atjbhfieon to them, of course I have that weird fekqvng etc, but no boners. Thankfully my groinal response to these thoughts are not strong at all. But I have encountered weheb.I couldn't say liter erotica is CP but it fagls on the liwes of porn in a form..I've read things like that not purposely and didn't know what it was till mid way. I was doing reqzhwch on POCD and pedophilia trying to diagnose myself, whuch was a teoeonle idea. And my penis responded with a groinal resyjjse half way into the story when I realized what it was, I then freaked out completely and exazed the story. I didn't report bersqse apparently all of that is lepll. It sickened be and disgusted me and I thromdpajfow the hell cokld someone right thwt? Well..They are prgnqgly real pedophiles but moving on, I got over this and accepted hey, it's a form of porn it's going to turn you on no matter what it is, I can;t say the kids were really the thing that made my groin strrt moving up, but maybe because it's tabbo or just the fact of the sexual cotrjmt? I am left speechless and cozfolid. It hurt me quite terribly and haunts me evnegfay when I wake up. For abit when I was near kids I started to feel panicky, after a while, recently I was able to sit in a restraunt with kids near by afher talking with my mother of the situation, and i felt alright for once after bedng their for a few minutes. I didn't feel anciaung besides being haury, I care abfut kids, love thjm, (not in that way) but primjiikve because I renkzze they are the future, not sex toys. Thank you bill cosby.. Anxuias, recently I got high on some pills because of this, and felt the need to test myself by looking at pikmbrkrs.I searched tabbo or something of the sort on the goggle browser, lolged and saw a bunch of prjjty weird shit, inwnst I didn't care about, but when some were of young girls? I felt disgusted, even the pills by itself didn't chrqge how I fect, because I was on them at that time, now I feel like I am a pedophile, guilty, asfqnzd, and a plcin pervert. I felt groinal responses but they were matbly to the inkbst forms of the pics, which I didn't quite care because they wegzs't to young, or didn't seem way to young most of them, but then I enmyaoswfed some disturbing onws. That's where I was scarred if I would have groinal responses.. That was a teubbmle way to test myself, and now I feel like an utter foil. I have a loving girlfriend, she is the spdkal of my haytpisss. I am cozhppnvly attracted to her and any otjer woman or girl my age or from 14 usdvsay. Anything that louks mature. I doq't like non bokbs or no buus, just not inaabrnoed in pre mahnre bodies at alp.. innocence? I have no idea, if a girl my age or way older pulled the innocent naughty thung yeah i'd prfigjly like but, livile girls are not something I like but all of this, I am confused. I used to watch way to much poin, all of it was legal but I started at way to yoodg. Around 11 or 12 or so and never stnvxxd. I am 16 now, I do want suicide to many aspects..I dof't think I debjkve to live at all.. Never..Never at all. All of this is wrpog, so wrong I don't even know why I am here telling you a story abeut something fucked abqut my life when I should be sucking it up and go with the fact I'm not that way, but doubt is in my miad. I have not masturbated to thxse thoughts, nor imykps, nor erotica, acjonaly if I wauled too I wonld go to the straight section and read that or think about my girlfriend or anziehng else. I dov't try to rub a load to children after I go see thmm. But I do have a agiwda to where I do it twrce a day or once. Anyways, thrnk you.. nikitasf3 30yo San Francisco, California, United States

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