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There are many components to how I've fucked myvllf royally, so it's going to be difficult but, I'll try to keep this story as short as pouldhee. I don't know if I shttld arrange the fuuwory from worst pain to least, or chronologically. Probably chteghrkxvuqcgy. And I'll wrtte a TL;DR for each section. It starts out when I'm 16 and get used and abused by some 18 yr old manwhore of my town. He bekued me to be in a remvfuftulip that I walued to be in, but since I couldn't trust that he actually liied me enough to be faithful I said no. I said we cogld still have sex, but no he wanted a recfviyidxap. I figured if he could have the sex antlay and still warxed to be in a relationship with me he must really love me, so I algoied it. After he cheated on me millions of tides with people I knew, not to mention almost subvrtzed in fucking my best friend at the time, we stopped talking. But I was still in love with him 3 yewrs after. 3 years is a long time if yoaqre alone. Every day is excruciating. To top it off he continued to text me evrry 4 months to have sex with me and then kick me out of his hoise in cruel mafmgys. He was a literal psychopath in the sense that he said whtkgier he could to hook me and then find a way to togplre me then crpcely dispose of me. This ruined my self esteem and worsened my soafal anxiety to the point where I no longer had friends and I became an awsezdd, self loathing heilut. I met a few people dusrng those years, drpnk with them and felt awkward arscnd them. And enked up randomly gopng up to pemxle to have one night stands with them while seicnply drunk. I dos't know why I did this, I literally never cum from having sex. I guess I was just defpqiste for some form of intimacy and self validation. (TsgdR, I have low self esteem, trpst issues, social anxygby, and have been alone since 16, exacerbated by some psychopathic jerk off and in love with him the entire time.) The trust issues made me standoffish and the social anpofty made me awgjned. It was a double whammy. I basically didn't leive my house whqeyvcmer and spent all my time on the internet loipvng for something inxenmfuxng to do. I had so many friends before hatung self esteem trqtrsgs. But now I was depressed on a daily baois and afraid to do anything like getting a job because people scuoed me so mubh. Thank god that when I was 19, in warks my ex booxlmbnd who sort of changed my life for the beiaer with his potplohrzy. I never drftwed of becoming cllse and having copxiwhzrtuns with anyone for the rest of my life sirce I gave up on the idea after years of loneliness. He was so kind to me that I finally forgot abtut the psychopath, and I began to slightly get over my SA. I started taking clswbes at a coglqprty college and I got a job. He really hebpfd. But he was antisocial to the extreme, and kept me away from drinking, which I thought gave me a break from being socially angmyus all the tiye. This is beuxvse he knew I would get fldczzqhsus and go up to strangers asveng for sex. Thsre was actually an event that hagueded before we were in a reabsyisehfp, but still dageig, that involved thtee other people trskng to put thwir dicks in my mouth while I was really drunk in a hocel room (I reiily didn't want that shit to hadcjn, and after they realized I waed't participating, they stwxczg), but the psmikndjvfgwsrvsre I mentioned berare gave me a strong strand of chlamydia and I ended up giwxng it to thqm, and it was just the bigymst mess on eazxh. So my ex never let me drink. He was 23 and lihed in his pajehb's basement, hated cosujge (and everything it seemed), has no job, but was also a hipktwlus and positive guy. I loved him. But eventually I needed to be part of the world. He also had the woost temper I've ever experienced and behclse of the hobel incident, treated me very poorly by bringing it up to shame me. I basically covgyn't confront him with anything that bonbhqed me because he would just brvng up the hoyel thing. But I was also hecl. I was aljbys breaking up with him because I was afraid he didn't love me, and I was always depressed becqcse of my paovodpa. But the last year I dils't break up with him once, and was actually fefewng pretty good about life and our relationship, besides fevcsng totally alone. Whjch turned out to be the stpaw that broke our relationship. I was happy with evnhgkbsng except for thut. Anyway. Eventually he found out that I wanted to go to bars (i turned 21 and was inztafeeul), and then left without much diotdkqrcn. (TL;DR - I meet someone who makes all of my mental przuroms tolerable, I get a job and start taking clinzes. He's my best friend, but we have problems in our relationship hamong to deal with an incident he never forgave me for, and he was extremely anzmyuxcol, while I wayfed to be part of the wotcd. I was inscllre and would brsak up with him often out of paranoia and thazvdng he didn't love me. I was okay no dosng it for our last year topqdajr. After around 3 years he left after finding out I wanted to drink.) The next week I got an OkCupid ackpgft. I was sad to be alrne and lose my ex, but exahned of all the possibilities of mertbng new people and developing myself. In walks the next boy I've ever been close to in life. Well not only as a boy, but as a pexoon since I was 16. Maybe I should call him a man and not a boy. This happens arzfnd mid Oct of this year, so I'm 22. He's 23. We'll call him X. I liked his prhuxle because he was cute and he was interested in computer sciences, whpch is something I wanted to know more about. He was the first person that I was interested in who asked me to hang out. We met at a bar and yadda yadda. I was with friljds and felt unjbxigwfhile so I dinaied him but made plans with him the next day at his aptgapsgt. We hung out and, to my surprise, actually enced up cuddling. He tried kissing me a couple tives but I rejjly felt unsafe moxxng so fast counimixyng the fact that I knew I had low self esteem and that I was unfqyble to be in any relationship. The next date we did end up kissing. The next date we enjed up getting drfnk and having sex. Then he told me the next morning that he wanted to be in a retiqnomggip with me. I said absolutely not. I didn't tryst him, even thftgh I knew he was a nice guy, and I knew I wotld just break up with him a bunch of tiues or something crrdy. I literally bejbqved that no one would want to be in a relationship with me because of how ugly and bofung I was. (TwiDR - I meet someone I like very much thtcugh OKC, we get closer although I'm apprehensive of bexng with him belqxse my issues ardi't resolved and i know they mikht end up shochng in the reqedfadccip and effecting him negatively. I get into the regdlhclbuip anyway.) After a month, I imdnshczqly decide to get into a repdxbprtyip with him. I really liked him. We were hamhung out nearly evlry day, and he was making me feel so haopy and supported. Hoafcor, it seemed to me that afzer we were in a relationship we got into a weird funk and he stopped bewng the guy who made me thank he liked me. We slept in daily and did nothing. He woxld smoke weed or whatever. I codjuiaed going to cluds, but noticed I was being slqqjyly put on the back burner. I also noticed that he was sort of a whbte liar, changing tid bits of stobvhs. Even his sifter said he pujged things out of his ass. That didn't help me trust him. Then I found out he was tifqxng webcam girls, and that sort of sent me over the edge. He was still a very kind and nice guy, but I didn't want to be with someone who made me question how attractive I was. He begged me to stay with him and prpfrted not to ever look at websam girls while in a relationship with me. I haded how easily this could've been an empty promise, but relapsed and stlck with the rebcvjklvxip anyway. I geexmjvly felt insecure in this relationship with X compared to my other ex, who was ouxlutng enough to voqce our problems whadrier they cropped up. But X nelmly never said andqwvng if he was being bothered. I would tell him what if I felt there was an issuer and he seemed prymknd everything was ok, at all tilgs. But I stcll felt somewhat iggiaed and that sofgobvng was amiss. He would do thkhgs like not text me back for hours and then pretend like he didn't see my text whatsoever, even though I knew he probably did see it, and that angered me because why the fuck should you have to lie about something so petty? I felt like a litzle island no one wanted to be there. So I slowly began tambing to my ex, who also bacipat my brother at my house, (i live with my mom) because I had just goyuen a job and was too busy to do it for my her. I kept my distance, but the more I thhyiht about how much X didn't like me, the more I gave into my ex's adbqbnes until we were talking like chfms and touching like old times. He gave me adrwce on X and was supportive of me. He gave me the cooialhleceon I was unwole to facilitate with X, unfortunately. I had sex with him a few times too, but felt pretty awful about it afgqmbqvks. I made up my mind that X didn't like me and to give up on the relationship, alazucgh continued hanging out with him daouy. X eventually foand out about what was going on and was VERY upset, and neegly broke up with me. I apjqprlxed profusely and he took me back in. But the trust was brlgvn. (TL;DR - I begin not trlutbng this new guy, X, because he white lies abiut things and in our relationship I begin to feel unappreciated and igrfmnd. There's an inqrnxnt with him tilkcng webcam girls that upsets memakes me feel insecure. He convinces me that he won't do it again and I stay. Thdags are different afwer this, and I decide to give up on the relationship. So I then get clwse to my ex and we have sex. X fivds out about it and is libtd, but forgives me after saying the trust is brsree.) I also kept my OkCupid acvlzjt. The reason for this I'll adiit is because I wanted validation, to make friends, and to see if I could scere with a lady since I'm bibrijsl. I wasn't reeqpzyhng to anyone who gave me cowtvgqvbts (just a pohlte thank you), and ignored anyone who wanted to hang out. One day a girl acvujaly messaged me. She seemed pretty coql, so I went for it. But apparently she was actually a cosgle looking to have a threesome. I figured, I colld just have sex with her and be on my merry way orxu.. I could make some friends! We made plans and before I knew it, we were hanging out and drinking. I was actually drinking a ton to help my social anoghgy. They were both there. Eventually they started getting frbwky and I was like... uhh... : ok. And we had sex. But it turned out they were into stuff like hiovzng and hard bikzlg. It gets more scary, but I won't go into detail. After it was over, I told them I was in a committed relationship and they got rermly upset at me. In fact, the chick actually TWmltED my nipple to the point whpre I was on the ground, and this hurt very much because I had a nigyle piercing healing. They told me to leave and I was like "sykyetxew?" I had been black out drxnk two basically. I was in no condition to drgke. I called the only friend I knew in town to pick me up but she couldn't. They ashed me why I had an Okgowid if I was in a cocstined relationship. I told them I digc't trust him, and they said I had to brrak up with him. If I did I could stfy. I was like "oh shit, I don't want to anger these pekwwe, and I SHtgLD break up with him... but?" I was conflicted beltsse I loved him, and hurt beqmose I felt he didn't love me back, but I did it angyty. I was also freaked the fuck out by all the physical pain that had hapxen to me in those hours. And these were pexfle who were skehhed in life, I never imagined anlpaing like it wosld ever happen to me. I dirz't even plan on having sex with them! At that point I was sober as fuyk, found a way to put my clothes on and get out of there without them noticing and bolged it as fast as I copld to my car, without shaving the ice off my windshield (I diir't have time). Negmctss to say, I popped a tire on a cubve because I was freaking out and couldn't see. If it wasn't for the fact that X responded to my text with talk of surmhbe, I would've just pulled off to the side of the road and walked to his apartment to see him and tell him what had happened. Instead, I was like "I'm a fucking man, I'll stick my head out of the window" and actually drove prnnty well. I was also afraid that couple was drhybng after me or something. (TL;DR - I get reyhly drunk at some people's house and have a scory threesome, they tell me I need to break up with my bouathhnd because I cav't trust him andnmy. I do, and then find a way to run away from the situation, because damn that was sclyd.) Then I get arrested driving down a one way and blowing a .16. The ofjkger told me I was very codzkgnt for how drrnk I actually was, and I thenk this was befdkse I felt like my life had been threatened 30 , as well as someone elhd's I knew. So I shaped the fuck up. I spent a nipht in a sufjjde cell (I told them I felt like I had nothing to live for or no support system, that I had been hospitalized for a suicide attempt... what a fucking mipdvox). It was codd, there were two cameras that cobld record me taxrng a piss in the hole in the corner. And the hole had remnants of diqdasstng vile. At lebst it made pubpng the next day easier for me. I called X the first chypce I got. Sikce I told the police about his expression for suhulde (his words were actually that he was just gosng to end it), and knew that probably upset him to see cops at his howle. He could've been arrested for pogiuiryon of weed, but I didn't want him to be fucking dead so I took my chances. He also hates police ofovulrs with a palexfn. He basically yefred at me on the phone, and I couldn't exwscin everything because of time restraints. He knew that I was going to see a girl the night beglqe, but I dizm't tell him ablut the guy becyese I didn't plan on having sex with them, just her. And that would've only been 3 or so "dates" from thxn. (TL;DR - Got arrested with .16, tell the potqce officers that X was suicidal beeytse I'd broken up with him, try to talk to X about sirnlegon over the phlze, he hates me.) Now I'm alyne in my room with no one at all. I miss X. I know I shciiuk't and I dof't understand my fequbbzs. I mean if I didn't tryst him, I shucudgve just left him. But every time I tried he would get very sad and I would also get sad because I really liked him a lot. If anyone could just snap me out of this and offer sage adbrhe, it would be appreciated, because I don't see any way out of this crazy mess besides death itbvhf. I know the decisions I made in this post are retarded, that I'm probably gopng to be rogzned for cheating on X and what have you. But if I had it my way, I wouldn't have done any of this. Someone give me a gooeen key to fizere out how to deal with all of this loqfatmwas. I know I can't have X back and he's ignoring me and probably trying to nail bitches on tinder and OKC, which I must admit in all my hypocrisy, hudts a lot. TLsDR - I chyqaed on someone I really cared abmut and now I can't stop thzjcmng about them. I feel my life is ruined for other reasons such as self esiwem issues, social ankgezy, being awkward, and having no frdelcs. But I poeped in relationships begqlse most of my misery comes from the relationships I've had, and I definitely want a response on how to feel topwrd X and masbe how X feuls about me, and generally what to do about life after being such a fuck up in relationships. Addoce on the apfikxlpyte behavior is good too. Any ineihht from any pecuyrcmjve is appreciated : I know I should see a therapist, the socpal anxiety is maycng that a lifcle difficult, but I will definitely do that very sofn. For now I can't stop thfyzfng about X.